How to prepare for my first threesome?
Threesomes are a common and consensual sexual experience for people of all genders. If you’re curious, start by finding the right partners and openly discussing boundaries, desires, and safety—everyone should feel comfortable. Talk about STI testing, and have protection (like condoms and dental dams) ready. Using a safe word, checking in with everyone, and respecting limits make the experience safer and more enjoyable.
Threesomes aren’t just a fantasy, they’re a common consensual sexual activity that people of all gender identities and sexual orientations enjoy. Curious? Read on to learn more about threesomes, including how to prepare, initiate, communicate, and safely and respectfully engage in a great threesome.
How to prepare for a safe threesome
If you’re thinking of having a threesome, the best place to start is finding the right partners and establishing a trusted line of communication. Equally important is making sure you feel safe and comfortable throughout the experience. Trying something new, especially when it’s sexual, can be scary! Go slow and be gentle with yourself.
Find the right partner(s)
Finding the right partner(s) is one of the most important parts of a threesome. Clearly define your preferences and expectations up front with all participants, and ask for preferences and expectations of others as well. If you’re in a relationship and your partner is on board, be honest about expectations and boundaries.
Honest communication & boundaries
Just like consent, everything starts with clear and honest communication. Discuss your desires, boundaries, and expectations with your partner and potential new partners. Be upfront about what you like and what’s not cool for you. As in any relationship, boundaries and clear communication create a respectful environment for all involved. Making sure everyone is on the same page will lead to a positive and consensual experience.
Video chat
Try a video chat with your potential candidates before meeting in person. This helps establish comfort and familiarity — not to mention there’s less potential awkwardness when you finally meet face-to-face. It’s a chance to have a little extra communication about preferences and boundaries. And, you can see if you vibe!
Meet in person in a safe, public location
Whether or not you choose to do a video chat, it’s wise to meet partners in-person beforehand to feel safe and comfortable before your threesome. Have this meet-up in a neutral, public location. Spaces like coffee shops and restaurants are always great options for casual conversation. Spend time getting to know each other — a threesome, like any sexual experience, is intimate and unique, and how good it is is often based on how exciting and fun the connection is. This is also the time to bring up STI testing and who is providing what forms of protection.
Have protection on hand
Safe sex is paramount for any sexual encounter, no matter how many people participate. Have protection like condoms and dental dams readily available. Remember, every new hole needs a new condom! If you have a uterus, have a morning-after pill like Julie’s ready on hand even if you’re using condoms (in case they break, tear, or slip off) or any other form of birth control.
How to set up a threesome with your partner
A new sexual adventure with your partner can be fun, but here are some steps to make it a healthy, safe, and pleasurable activity for both of you:
- The more communication, the better: Communication is the cornerstone of a successful threesome. Ensure that all parties involved are comfortable with the arrangement, and discuss any concerns or questions.
- Make it clear what you’re looking for: When setting up a threesome, make your expectations and desires clear from the beginning. Whether you're seeking a one-time experience or want to explore a more on-going hookup situation, transparent communication helps you both avoid misunderstandings.
How do threesomes work within a relationship?
Open relationships or polyamorous relationships are normally viewed as ones that engage in threesomes, but a couple doesn’t have to be considered “open” to explore a threesome. And just because someone is in a polyamorous or open relationship, that doesn’t mean that they automatically want to have a threesome.
An open relationship typically allows for sexual exploration outside the primary partnership, while polyamorous relationships involve the potential for emotional connections with multiple partners (ex: throuples). In the end, it all comes back to communication. If you want to have an open relationship or expand it to a polyamorous one, clearly define the terms of your existing relationship and ensure all parties agree.
Tips for a great threesome
- Use toys. Bring some sex toys along to enhance the experience for everyone involved. Make sure all participants are comfortable with the introduction of the toy(s) and discuss any preferences beforehand. Toys should be cleaned thoroughly before and after!
- Pick a safe word. Like consent, a safe word is another tool to create peace of mind for any sexual encounter, including threesomes. A safe word is a signal to pause or stop the activity if someone feels uncomfortable. It can be as straightforward or as sexy as you want as long as it clearly indicates that you want to stop.
- Vet your partner(s). Before taking off into a threesome, take some time to vet your potential partners. Learn about their expectations, experiences, and communication style. This'll help you build trust with one another and make the encounter much more positive.
Threesomes won’t “fix” your relationship
Spicing up your sex life usually won’t fix your underlying relationship issues. Try not to use this sexual experience as a bandaid. If there are underlying concerns or challenges in your partnership, introducing a third party won’t help you address or resolve these issues (it’s not cool to put someone in that position either). Instead, communication with your partner is a healthier option. Try being open and upfront about what’s bothering you or what you feel is lacking in your relationship, and ask your partner to do the same.
While we love to share useful and helpful information, the above shouldn’t replace the advice of your healthcare professional. For questions about birth control and other women’s health issues, please talk to your doctor.
Julie wants to keep young women in the driver’s seat of their own stories and provide them with the tools necessary for a happy, healthy sex life.
We know (and have lived!) through the ups and downs of young adulthood firsthand, and we aim to normalize the events, conversations, and questions that come during this period to help destigmatize sexual health. We believe women should live life with total freedom — starting with their ability to choose how, when, and if they become pregnant.
We know that women can make the best choices for themselves when equipped with the right information. We don’t take sexual education lightly and are committed to sharing accurate and factual information through rigorous planning and QA processes. In fact, all Julie content is reviewed by at least two board-certified doctors on our medical board. Learn more about them here.
For more details on our editorial process, see here.
Lizzy Joelson is a certified sex educator and women’s health advocate. She is the founder of Club BodyTalk, a pleasure-centered education practice offering workshops, writing, and community experiences grounded in body awareness and empowerment. Through her work, Lizzy centers feminist, body-literate sexuality education that connects health information to real life, supporting more intentional and embodied relationships. More of her writing and reflections can be found on her Substack.
Tessa Commers, MD, FAAP, MS is a board-certified pediatrician based in the Seattle area with a particular interest in adolescent health and sexual education. In addition to clinical practice and serving as Head of Medical at Julie, Tessa also founded AskDoctorT — an education platform with over a million followers across Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube — aimed at improving adolescent health literacy and body confidence. She also hosted and wrote the puberty podcast “That’s Totally Normal!” and has contributed to peer-reviewed publications and educational initiatives focused on child and adolescent wellbeing.
Education: Children’s Mercy Hospital, Kansas City – Pediatric Residency; University of Nebraska Medical Center – Doctor of Medicine (MD); University of Nebraska Medical Center – Master of Science (MS, Genetics, Cell Biology and Anatomy); New York University – Bachelor of Arts (BA)
