Debunking some porn myths

Don’t get mad but porn is one of the most common ways to learn about sex. (Given the lack of comprehensive and accurate sex education in schools across the United States, we’re not surprised!) But porn can actually be a helpful tool for someone who wants to learn more about pleasing themself or a partner. The problem is that porn often comes with a lot of unhealthy assumptions about sex.

Myth 1: You don’t need protection

You should always use protection. Condoms are the easiest way to have safe sex: They protect both you and your partner from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and diseases (STDs), and they can help you prevent pregnancy.

Think porn actors don’t wear condoms? We do! In 2012, California passed a law that all porn actors need to wear condoms to stop the spread of STIs in the porn industry. Since most people use porn to learn more about sex, the normalizing of condoms in porn films can also help normalize it IRL.Plus, condoms are super easy to use and come in all sizes and textures.

Myth 2: Spit is the only lube you need

Spit can never and will never replace lube. I will die on this hill. Here’s why: Spit either absorbs into the skin, dries faster, or evaporates quickly, and doesn't have a slippery consistency. It might feel “wet” for a second, but you’ll go right back to feeling friction quickly.

Lube is designed to keep your body safe. Not only does it reduce friction, but it lasts a lot longer than spit. While it comes in various styles, flavors, and sensations, not all lube is created equal. Be sure to pick a high-quality lube and be aware of any ingredient allergies. For example, some people may be allergic to glycerin, a common ingredient in flavored or warming lubes.

Here are the three main types of lube to go for:

• Water-based: Condom-safe, toy-safe, and skin-safe
• Silicone-based: Condom-safe and long-lasting
• Oil-based: Toy-safe and long-lasting, but not condom-safe (this includes coconut oil! Which probably isn’t the most hygienic if you’re cooking with it, too!)

Myth 3: Bigger is always better

A big penis never guarantees good sex. The assumption that a big penis leads to “amazing” sex goes beyond porn — it’s all over film and TV, too.

All bodies are different, and everyone can prefer a different size depending on what feels good. For instance, a more average-sized penis can help you stimulate your G-spot, whereas a big penis can’t. There’s always something to enjoy with any size. This might blow your mind, but not everyone enjoys penetration — and a big dick isn’t going to change that. Most women actually orgasm from clitoral stimulation using a mouth, fingers, or toy.

Myth 4: Women always moan or scream during sex

Not exactly. Where someone might moan or scream during sex to express themselves or in response to what they’re feeling, making noise doesn’t mean the person is having an orgasm. In fact, most women have faked an orgasm in their lifetime and have used some pretty convincing moans to do it. Most of all, the presence or absence of noise isn’t a sign of good or bad sex.

Moans and screams in porn are more of a theatrical device to relay what the character is feeling. And sure, if you watch porn, you might think this is normal, but there isn’t a template for how we should have sex. Do what feels good for you.

Myth 5: Women want to be pounded

Let's take this back to what I mentioned earlier: Not everyone enjoys penetration. Most women need to be aroused or “built up” to their orgasm. Sometimes, that takes 15 to 20 minutes of stimulation. Unlike many men, most women don’t achieve orgasm from a penis going in and out of their vagina. Instead, clitoral stimulation plays a bigger impact in bringing women to orgasm.

That said, everyone has their own preferences. Some want to be pounded, while some like it a bit softer and more tender. Think of this as a great opportunity to communicate your preferences and boundaries before, during, and after sex. Explore each other and figure out what you like.

Myth 6: Women always cum

Pleasure does NOT equal an orgasm. This myth is probably the most confusing and potentially hurtful out of all of them. Porn films aren’t the only ones to blame here, either. Sex scenes from movies and TV shows regularly reinforce this assumption.

The reality is women don’t always orgasm, and it’s way more common than we realize. A study from the American Association of University Women found that only 39% of female college students orgasmed every or most of the time during partnered sex. Just in case math isn’t your thing, that’s significantly less than half.

Women don’t always orgasm, and some can’t at all. But that doesn’t mean you’ll never enjoy sex. Women can also enjoy arousal and the build-up of stimulation more than they enjoy that one moment of orgasm. Again, explore what feels good to you!

Myth 7: Sex lasts hours

Sex can last as long as you want it to, and it comes down to how you define it. Sex can mean the whole experience (flirting, foreplay, using toys, teasing, penetration, etc.), or it can just mean penetration. If you think of sex as only penetration, it can be a lot shorter than an hour. Men usually reach orgasm anywhere from 3 to 7 minutes, but women need 15 to 20 minutes to “finish.” On the other hand, if you count sex as the whole experience, then sure, it could potentially last for hours.

Myth 8: People are always ready to have sex

Are you always in the mood? No? That’s pretty normal. Yes? That’s normal too. Why? Let’s say it again for everyone in the back: We’re all different.

Even if you or your partner is wet, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re aroused. Sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski, PhD, is a great reference on this topic. She thinks the concept of having a “sex drive” is a myth itself. Instead, she encourages everyone to attribute their arousal as being either “spontaneous desire” or “responsive desire.”

Spontaneous desire is arousal from sexual fantasies and the like, while responsive desire is arousal from the act itself. While men can be more inclined to experience spontaneous desire, responsive desire arouses more women. Again, some people might be hornier than others. The point here is not to assume there’s something wrong with you if you’re not always ready to go.

Myth 9: Foreplay isn’t necessary

If you want foreplay, you deserve foreplay. Some people like it, some don’t. Some need it to enjoy sex or reach orgasm, while others can make their way without it.

Think of foreplay as a “choose your own adventure” exercise. It can look like flirting, teasing, compliments, role-playing, using toys, touching, stroking, kissing, or any combo of them. Engage it through any of your five senses, like that cologne or perfume you love or a song that puts you in the mood. Foreplay isn’t one thing: It’s whatever you want it to be.Apart from getting you aroused, think of it as another fun part of your sexual experience. It’s something you and your partner can share as you discover more about each other.

Myth 10: Consent ruins the mood

No, it doesn’t. Consent is actually pretty hot, and there’s an art to it.

Dirty talking is one of the best ways to explore consent and learn what your partner is into. Make it a fun game. Try a yes/no/maybe list with your partner. Go slow and ask what their limits are.

Consent is essential for a pleasurable experience for both you and your partner. The bottom line is you don’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t into what’s happening, and you shouldn’t have to do something you’re not comfortable with.

While we love to share useful and helpful information, the above shouldn’t replace the advice of your healthcare professional. For questions about birth control and other women’s health issues, please talk to your doctor.