Sex hiccups? No problem!
Struggling with penis size concerns, painful sex, or a low sex drive? You’re not alone—and these issues are more common than people admit. Practical, medically-backed answers on how to make sex more comfortable and satisfying: from positions for different penis sizes, to tips for boosting lubrication and intimacy, understanding what might be lowering your libido, and how hormones, stress, and relationships all play a role. Learn how to communicate, experiment safely, and know when to seek professional support.
Ah, sex…that exciting feeling of connection and arousal with someone else that makes life worth living. Now that we have the rom-com sentiment out of the way, we can be honest for a second: Sometimes sex can be a little difficult to navigate. Penis complications, painful penetration, and dwindling sex drive happen; some can be addressed with simple tips and tricks, while others may require more effort to ameliorate. But the sooner you address the elephant in the room, the sooner you and your partner can get back to cracking.
What do I do if his dick is too small?
Before addressing penis size, remember that only around 20% of those with female anatomy say they can orgasm with penetration alone. Clitoral stimulation is often necessary to have an orgasm, and the average time it takes for a male to ejaculate is a little over five minutes. Doing some quick math, if you’re spending more than five minutes in bed, you’re likely doing some other things (aka foreplay) that qualify as arousing and fun. TL;DR sex isn’t just about the penis.
Still, if you’re wanting to get more from a smaller penis, lean into the foreplay and experiment with different positions. Doggy style allows him to penetrate deeply, while cowgirl lets you control your clitoral stimulation. There are plenty of other positions that help him get deeper, so don’t be afraid to experiment. Just remember, it might help to lean into other forms of stimulation for improved sex satisfaction.
What do I do if his dick is too big?
With a bigger penis, the issue is often pain rather than inability to orgasm — which can become a downward spiral. (Life can be so unfair!) When someone is anticipating painful penetration, their vaginal muscles tighten and their natural lubrication from arousal plummets, which further fuels the vicious cycle of painful sex. For tense vaginal walls, loosen them up! Ramp up the foreplay to help with relaxation. For low lubrication, add your own! A quick reference for first-time lube buyers:
- Water-based lube: the most common, may need to reapply, can be used with latex condoms
- Oil-based lube: lasts longer but isn’t compatible with latex condoms, sheets may need to be spot-cleaned to remove oil
- Silicone lube: more expensive but great for sensitive skin, can be used with latex condoms
For more comfortable sex positions, think of anything that puts your butt in the way. This reduces how deep the penis can go and may be less painful. Examples are spooning and sitting on his lap, but the most important part of sex with a big penis is communication. If any position becomes uncomfortable, let him know and switch it up.
What do I do if my partner says sex is painful?
If your partner is telling you that sex is uncomfortable, consider this a win — communication with your partner is admirable. If he can tell you exactly what isn’t feeling good, that can help with troubleshooting. However, the main cause of uncomfortable sex is friction, which is typically caused by insufficient lubrication. Other things that can cause irritation are latex allergies with condoms, sexually-transmitted infections, and erection issues. Consider switching condom materials or recommending a trip to the clinic for STI testing.
What if it hurts for him to get an erection?
There are a couple of things that can cause painful erections, both of which need to be managed by a doctor. The first is something called Peyronie’s disease, which is caused by scar tissue along the shaft of the penis. When not erect, it’s generally pain free. But once the penis gets hard, the scar tissue causes the penis to bend and puts uncomfortable pressure on the erection. This is one of those situations that requires medical intervention to fix.
Now let’s shift our focus to uncircumcised dicks. In case you’ve never seen one, it goes a little something like this: When the penis is flaccid, foreskin covers the shaft and head of the penis; when the penis is erect, the small opening of the foreskin is supposed to stretch and reveal the head of the penis. Here’s the kicker: Some people have foreskin so tight that the opening cannot stretch. This is called phimosis, and the inability of the foreskin to stretch puts a lot of uncomfortable pressure on the underlying erection as well as the foreskin. Phimosis can sometimes be managed with a prescribed topical medication, but if the foreskin is too scarred or tight, surgery may be needed.
Why is my sex drive so low?
Sex drive (or libido) varies from person to person. There’s no right or wrong level of horniness! Some people couldn’t care less about having sex, while others feel like they’d implode with getting it in. Basically, the definition of low sex drive is subjective, but if it’s something concerning for you, we’ve got your back.
Let’s start with the hormones — mainly estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. Natural hormone fluctuations throughout your menstrual cycle may be the culprit. During the first half of your cycle and leading up to ovulation, sex drive tends to be higher because of increasing estrogen levels. However, once progesterone takes over after ovulation, your sex drive can take a nosedive. The other hormone responsible for sex drive is testosterone (yes, those with female anatomy have testosterone). As we get older and approach menopause, testosterone levels naturally drop. This can be another cause of changing libido, and doctors can help with testosterone replacement if needed.
Other things that impact sex drive include mental health and medications. Depression and anxiety can absolutely reduce interest in sex, as can the medications that treat them. It’s difficult to tell how each individual will respond, but talking with your doctor can help identify appropriate management.
Why do I lose interest in sex even though I love my partner?
Love for your partner is a great starting place for addressing low libido. If you and your partner are interested in sex (with one another), the journey to an improved sex drive can be a team effort. The issues above still apply, so a discussion with a doctor may be helpful. However, relationship issues or sex history may also be a factor. Studies have shown that it takes much more effort for a female to get “in the mood” compared to their male counterparts. One significant factor is that men have more testosterone, but men also have an innate response to visual stimuli that is much more closely linked to genital arousal. Basically, they can look at you in tight pants and get bricked up — awooga!
Women tend to need different sexual stimulation to achieve genital arousal, which looks like vaginal lubrication and increased blood flow to the clitoris and vagina. Sex drive for women is more closely linked to context and a buildup of interest. In essence, foreplay and situation matter more for women. Put some thought into what things get you going and dedicate more time to getting into the mood. This won’t be a quick fix, and it’s not the answer for everyone, but more foreplay is never a bad thing.
Frequently Asked Questions
What do I do if my partner's penis is too small? | Remember that only around 20% of people with female anatomy orgasm from penetration alone — clitoral stimulation is key for most. Lean into foreplay and experiment with positions that maximize depth or clitoral contact. Doggy style allows deeper penetration, while cowgirl lets you control your own stimulation. Focusing on other forms of stimulation alongside penetration can significantly improve sexual satisfaction regardless of penis size. |
What do I do if my partner's penis is too big and sex is painful? | Anticipating pain causes vaginal muscles to tense and natural lubrication to decrease, which makes things worse. Ramp up foreplay to encourage relaxation and arousal. Add a lubricant: water-based lubes are the most versatile and safe with latex condoms; silicone-based lubes last longer and work well for sensitive skin; oil-based lubes last the longest but are not compatible with latex condoms. Choose positions that limit penetration depth, like spooning or sitting on your partner's lap. Communication is the most important factor — if any position becomes uncomfortable, say so and adjust. |
What should I do if my partner says sex is painful? | Painful sex is most often caused by friction from insufficient lubrication. Adding a lubricant is a simple first step. Other potential causes include latex allergies (try non-latex condoms), sexually transmitted infections (get tested), or erection issues. If pain persists, encourage your partner to speak with a healthcare provider to rule out underlying conditions. |
What if it hurts for my partner to get an erection? | Painful erections are usually caused by one of two conditions that require medical attention. Peyronie's disease involves scar tissue along the shaft of the penis that causes it to bend painfully when erect — this requires medical intervention. Phimosis occurs in uncircumcised people when the foreskin is too tight to retract during an erection, creating painful pressure. Phimosis can sometimes be managed with a prescribed topical steroid, but more severe cases may require minor surgery. Both conditions should be evaluated by a doctor. |
Why is my sex drive so low? | Libido varies widely from person to person — there is no universally 'normal' level. Common causes of low sex drive include hormonal fluctuations throughout your menstrual cycle (progesterone after ovulation tends to lower libido), declining testosterone levels (people with female anatomy produce testosterone too, and levels drop with age), depression, anxiety, and medications that treat them, including some antidepressants. If low libido is bothering you, speaking with a healthcare provider can help identify whether hormonal, mental health, or medication factors are at play. |
Why do I lose interest in sex even though I love my partner? | A decrease in sexual desire doesn't mean a decrease in love. People with female anatomy tend to need more context, buildup, and emotional safety to become sexually aroused compared to people with male anatomy. Factors like stress, hormonal changes, relationship dynamics, and past experiences all influence sex drive. Dedicating more time to foreplay, creating the right environment, and exploring what specifically gets you in the mood can help. If the issue persists, talking to a healthcare provider or a sex therapist can offer more targeted support. |
While we love to share useful and helpful information, the above shouldn’t replace the advice of your healthcare professional. For questions about contraception and other reproductive health issues, please talk to your doctor.
Julie wants to keep young women in the driver’s seat of their own stories and provide them with the tools necessary for a happy, healthy sex life.
We know (and have lived!) through the ups and downs of young adulthood firsthand, and we aim to normalize the events, conversations, and questions that come during this period to help destigmatize sexual health. We believe women should live life with total freedom — starting with their ability to choose how, when, and if they become pregnant.
We know that women can make the best choices for themselves when equipped with the right information. We don’t take sexual education lightly and are committed to sharing accurate and factual information through rigorous planning and QA processes. In fact, all Julie content is reviewed by at least two board-certified doctors on our medical board. Learn more about them here.
For more details on our editorial process, see here.
Tessa Commers, MD, FAAP, MS is a board-certified pediatrician based in the Seattle area with a particular interest in adolescent health and sexual education. In addition to clinical practice and serving as Head of Medical at Julie, Tessa also founded AskDoctorT — an education platform with over a million followers across Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube — aimed at improving adolescent health literacy and body confidence. She also hosted and wrote the puberty podcast “That’s Totally Normal!” and has contributed to peer-reviewed publications and educational initiatives focused on child and adolescent wellbeing.
Education: Children’s Mercy Hospital, Kansas City – Pediatric Residency; University of Nebraska Medical Center – Doctor of Medicine (MD); University of Nebraska Medical Center – Master of Science (MS, Genetics, Cell Biology and Anatomy); New York University – Bachelor of Arts (BA)
Cordelia Nwankwo, MD, FACOG is a native of Dallas, Texas. She graduated from Texas A&M University with a Bachelor of Science in Biomedical Engineering. She then earned her medical degree from The University of Texas Southwestern Medical School. Dr. Nwankwo completed her training in Obstetrics and Gynecology at UT Southwestern Medical Center and Parkland Hospital. She currently is in private practice in Washington, DC. Dr. Nwankwo’s goal as a provider is to make sure every patient feels heard and able to achieve optimal health.
Education: UT Southwestern Medical School – Doctor of Medicine (MD); Texas A&M – Bachelor of Science (BS)
