How to have a great threesome

As film and TV shows have shown us over the years, a threesome is thought to be the stereotypical “holy grail” of sexual fantasies for many guys. IRL, threesomes aren’t just a fantasy. They’re another common consensual sexual activity that people of all gender identities and sexual orientations enjoy. Threesomes were popular during the sexual revolution of the 1970s. Though they’ve been taboo-ish in the past few decades, they seem to be shedding that label again now.

Curious? Read on to learn more about threesomes, including how to prepare, initiate, communicate, and safely and respectfully engage in a great threesome.

How to prepare for a safe threesome

If you’re thinking of having a threesome, you might be thinking about a lottt of things. The best place to start is finding the right partners and establishing a trusted line of communication. Equally important is making sure you feel safe and comfortable throughout the experience. Trying something new, especially when it’s sexual, can be scary! Go slow and be gentle with yourself. Check out these steps for healthy threesome success.

Find the right partner(s)

Finding the right partner(s) is one of the most important parts of a threesome. Dating apps like Feeld cater to individuals and couples seeking non-traditional relationships, making it easier to connect with like-minded individuals who are also looking for a ménage à trois (thanks, French class). Clearly define your preferences and expectations in your profile so potential matches understand your level of interest. Even if you’re in a relationship and your partner is on board, you can indicate that you’re in an ‘open’ relationship.

Honest communication

Just like consent, everything starts with clear and honest communication. Discuss your desires, boundaries, and expectations with your partner and potential new partners. Be upfront about what you like and what’s off-limits. Making sure everyone is on the same page will lead to a positive and consensual experience.

Video chat

Try a video chat with your potential new partner/partners before meeting in person. This helps establish comfort and familiarity, reducing any potential awkwardness when you finally meet face-to-face. Plus, you get to have a little extra communication about preferences and boundaries. And, you can see if you vibe!

Meet in person in a safe, public location

Whether or not you choose to do a video chat, it’s wise to meet partners in-person beforehand to feel safe and comfortable before your threesome. Have this meet-up in a neutral, public location. Spaces like coffee shops and restaurants are always great options for casual conversation. Spend time getting to know each other—a threesome, like any sexual experience, is intimate and unique, and how good it is is often based on how exciting and fun the connection is. This is also the time to bring up STI testing and who is providing what forms of protection.

Have protection on hand

Safe sex is paramount for any sexual encounter, no matter how many people participate. Have plenty of protection, such as condoms and dental dams, readily available. Remember, every new hole needs a new condom! If you have a uterus, have a morning-after pill like Julie ready on hand even if you’re using condoms (in case they break, tear, or slip off) or any other form of birth control.

Set boundaries

Establish clear boundaries with your current partner and/or your new partner(s). Clearly communicate what you want to try, what is off-limits, and what you want to explore/experience overall. As in any relationship, boundaries and clear communication create a consensual and respectful environment for all involved.

How to set up a threesome with your partner

A new sexual adventure with your partner can be fun, but here are some steps to make it a healthy, safe, and pleasurable activity for both of you:

• The more communication, the better: Communication is the cornerstone of a successful threesome. Ensure that all parties involved are comfortable with the arrangement, and discuss any concerns or questions.
  
  
• Make it clear what you’re looking for: When setting up a threesome, make your expectations and desires clear from the beginning. Whether you're seeking a one-time experience or want to explore a more on-going hookup situation, transparent communication helps you both avoid misunderstandings.
  
  
• Set up a profile with your partner: Create a joint profile with your partner on dating apps or platforms designed for non-monogamous relationships, like Feeld, or even more mainstream ones like Bumble and Tinder. It can also help you streamline the process. Clearly outline your interests, boundaries, and what you are seeking to attract like-minded potential partners.

How do threesomes work within a relationship?

Open relationships or polyamorous relationships are normally viewed as ones that engage in threesomes, but a couple doesn’t have to be considered “open” to explore a threesome. And just because someone is in a polyamorous or open relationship, that doesn’t mean that they automatically want to have a threesome.

An open relationship typically allows for sexual exploration outside the primary partnership, while polyamorous relationships involve the potential for emotional connections with multiple partners (ex: throuples). Everything comes back to communication. If you want to have an open relationship or expand it to a polyamorous one, clearly define the terms of your existing relationship and ensure all parties agree.

Tips for a great threesome

Use toys

Bring some sex toys along to enhance the experience for everyone involved. Make sure all participants are comfortable with the introduction of the toy(s) and discuss any preferences beforehand. Toys should be cleaned thoroughly before and after!

Pick a safe word

Like consent, a safe word is another tool to create peace of mind for any sexual encounter, including threesomes. A safe word is a signal to pause or stop the activity if someone feels uncomfortable. It can be as straightforward or as sexy as you want, but it should clearly get your partner's/partners’ attention and indicate that you want to stop.

Vet your partner(s)

Before taking off into a threesome, take some time to vet your potential partners. Learn about their expectations, experiences, and communication style. This'll help you build trust with one another and make the encounter much more positive.

Threesomes won’t “fix” your relationship

Spicing up your sex life usually won’t fix your underlying relationship issues. So try not to use this sexual experience as a bandaid. If there are underlying concerns or challenges in your partnership, introducing a third party won’t help you address or resolve these issues (it’s not cool to put someone in that position either). Instead, communication with your partner is a healthier option. Try being open and upfront about what’s bothering you or what you feel is lacking in your relationship, and ask your partner to do the same.